Get to know about consent, wired play, role plays and sexual assault.




Consent is an essential part of hooking up. But when it comes to wired play, consent can sometimes get a bit blurry.

Understanding consent is essential to having healthy and pleasurable sexual experiences. Consent ensures that our boundaries, feelings and choices are respected. But consent is not as straightforward as just saying yes or no. Consent means we are knowingly and freely agreeing to take part in sex or other sexual activities.

Consent is an ongoing process that occurs between people who are freely giving agreement to engage in sexual activity together. It involves paying attention to what someone is saying, what they’re not saying, their body language, and their facial expressions.

It also involves ongoing and open communication. It is about continuous agreements to keep going. Consent has to happen at every step, so if we agree to engage in a particular sex act with someone, it doesn’t mean that we agree to anything else down the track. For example, if we give consent for someone to rim us, it doesn’t mean that they can then put their hand inside our butt – and this goes for us too!

Informed Consent

The thing about consent is that it must be informed.

Informed consent means we understand what we are giving our consent to and nothing is preventing us from agreeing to, saying no or changing our mind. We are not giving informed consent if someone makes us feel too scared to say no…this might be due to a fear that they will hurt us, a worry that they will share private information about us, or if they threaten us.

It’s important to know that if someone is experiencing the effects of alcohol and drugs where they cannot consciously and verbally consent to sex or other sexual activities, then they cannot give informed consent.


Watch this video about informed consent

Consent and Wired Play

Sometimes we want to have sex when we’re wired and getting horny when we get on the gear can be the norm. But don’t forget that if other people are wired, then it’s possible that they may not be able to give their informed consent. Even if we’re in the middle of a sex session, it doesn’t mean that anything goes.

If you’re ever unsure of whether someone is giving consent, it generally means that you don’t confidently have it.

When it comes to wired play, we all experience alcohol and drugs, and pleasure, differently. That extra energy and drive that we might be experiencing do not mean that everyone else is experiencing this too.

If we’ve had a super-hot wired play session with someone before, it doesn’t mean we have consent to jump right back in the next time we see them, regardless of where it is (i.e., like a beat or sex venue or sauna), and it also doesn’t mean that we’ll have the same experience.

We can never know how someone is going to experience alcohol and drugs while having sex, so they might have been very alert and energetic last time and the play went for hours and hours, but the next time we see them it can be different. Maybe they appear as if they’re out of it or not aware of what’s going on. We can never assume that we know how our sex partners are feeling or what they’re up for, regardless of how well we know them or how many times we’ve had sex.

Being wired sometimes means that we might be less aware of our boundaries, bodies and what is happening around us, so we should always be taking steps to check that we have received consent.


Checking In


Checking in with our sex partners not only allows us to know how they feel and what they like, but it also means that it won’t come out of the blue if they want to stop or say no – and this goes for us too. Sometimes we all just need a break – and so do our body parts… am I right??

Asking questions during sex is the best way of checking in.


Does this feel good?


Want me to keep going?


Need me to slow down?


Want me to do this?


Would you like to do this?


How are you feeling?


Want to take a break?


Do you need anything? Think of more lube, a drink of water or to change position.


Consent and role plays

Sometimes we may be getting into role-playing and someone is being the dom top and the other a sub bottom – I know which one I’m picking! Hearing the word ‘no’ may be part of the role-play and it can be a turn-on, but what if it means that our sex partners want everything to stop? Before starting any role-playing it’s best to set the ground rules first, especially when we include alcohol and drugs in the mix!

  • Discuss what we’re up for and what we’re not up for with our sex partners, and ask them the same questions so everyone is on the same page.
  • Chat about how each of us will check in with the other person during the role-play so that the fantasy can keep going.
  • Decide on a safe word and make sure that everyone agrees. The safe word should be a non-sexual word that we wouldn’t otherwise say in the situation, so once it’s said – everyone stops. Think of vegemite or lampshade as examples.
  • Talk about how the word ‘no’ will be used in the scenario. What does saying that word mean in this role-play or situation?

It’s the planning, setting of boundaries and safe words that keeps the role-playing respectful and extremely hot.

Changing Our Mind

The other part of freely giving consent is knowing we can take it back at any time. If we change our mind or feel unsafe or uncomfortable doing something – for whatever reason – then we have the right for what’s happening to stop. We don’t have to give a reason or justify ourselves, or even know for certain why we want to stop.


Sexual Assault


Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual behaviour that makes someone feel frightened, intimidated, or threatened. It is any sexual activity that someone has not consented to.

Sexual assault is never the fault of a victim/survivor.

If you experience sexual assault, there are a few things you can do.

If you cannot remove yourself from the situation because you are scared for your safety – that’s okay. You need to do what you feel is safest for you at the time.

Being scared to leave can be a normal feeling and there are supports that can help you afterwards.

Remember your safety is the most important thing.

If possible, get yourself to a place where you feel safe.

Can you call a friend or someone in your chosen family who you know will listen to your experience and provide you with non-judgemental support?

If you are at a SOPV, find the venue staff and let them know what has happened if you feel comfortable doing so.

If you are at a beat, leave and head home to a safe space. If you are at someone’s place, leave and head home or to a friend’s house.

If you cannot go home because that isn’t a safe space for you to be in, then contact a friend and see if you can stay with them for the moment, or until you’ve had some time to think about what the next steps are, and what feels comfortable for you to do.

You can call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) and chat with a counsellor who can support you or discuss what options are available to you.

If you would prefer to chat with someone who is from our queer community, then contact QLIFE as they offer phone and web-based chats up till midnight each day.

Do you want to report the assault to the police? We know there are many reasons why people don’t want to report to the police, but the option is there.

If you want to, you can contact the local LGBTIQ Liaison Officers to report a sexual assault to the Police.

What you do after a sexual assault is up to you. Know what options you have for support but remember that you have full control over your decisions.

The information given on this page is not medical advice and should not be relied upon in that way.